"I have people skills, I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAY27NU1Jog
At the start of this year I was tasked with training our student leaders on the interpersonal side of ministry. I recently stumbled across my notebook with these notes in it, and since it was falling apart I decided to write them here on the off chance that I'll want to refer to them later.
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Intro:
One of our goals this year is to really improve as a movement in the area of interpersonal skills. What does this mean? How to relate well to others. How to make a good first impression. How to build positive relationships. How to build an attractive and engaging community. I'm super excited, but first let's pray for a couple minutes.
Ok, here's what I'm going to be covering today (as a community and as individuals):
I. Be Attractive
II. Be Positive
III. Be God-honoring
But first, it's important to ask why? When I first heard that we would be working on this area I struggled to understand how that was Biblical. My first thought was "Did Jesus care about being attractive? Did He appeal to the
cool people of His day?" Honest, probably not. I don't think Jesus was cool or attractive in the ways we normally use those words. So why should we strive to improve in these areas?
Here's what I think. Let's consider 1 Corinthians 9:19-23:
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings."
Paul is willing to change the way he lives for the sake of winning people to the Gospel. Now, probably Paul isn't talking about social things like we are, but I think the principle applies. In fact, I think we apply this principle all the time. Many of us have spent time in other cultures, and we change how we act and what we wear in order to have an effective ministry. When I was in Sudan I only wore dress clothes and I didn't eat pork. When we're on campus, I think we should practice good communication skills and avoid sloppy clothes. Anybody have any questions about this? Hopefully we're all on the same page.
I. Be Attractive
How do we as a movement and as individuals do this? I'd like to briefly talk about two things we can all work on.
First, present yourself well; sell yourself. As a TA, one of the best pieces of advice I received was to dress up the first week. This communicated to the students that I was an authority, a professional, and a teacher. Now, none of these things were spoken, but the way that I presented myself, especially early on, had a huge impact in how I was viewed for the rest of the semester. We can do this by managing our appearance and also by communicating well. Let's consider the following video clip. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, Will Smith has been trying to get this job for months. He is down on his luck, and spent the previous night in jail, barely making it to the interview in time. Watch how he interacts with those interviewing him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ep-ieEG06qg
What did he do to make himself attractive?
-humor
-confidence
-"this is what I have to offer"
-smile
-eye contact
-posture
We need to enter into students' lives in a way that makes them feel comfortable. We can be confident that we have something great to offer, because we do.
Second, focus on others. I can't overstate how important this is. Work hard, strive for common interests. If needed, make yourself interested in the interests of others. Embrace curiosity and ask good questions. Not only is this fun, but people love this. People love talking about themselves, so show some interest in them.
Let's practice this for the next five minutes. Find someone close to you and ask them what they are interested in. Once you hear from them, practice asking good questions about whatever subject they like, even if you aren't particularly interested in it yourself.
Great, how was that for everyone? Actually pretty fun, right? Keep practicing that, as often as possible. People love people that ask good questions and listen well. Also, people like people that like themselves! This may seem obvious, but let me repeat that, "people like people that like themselves." Do this for me real quick, make a mental list of your 5 most-liked people. Ok, now that you have that list, how many of them don't like you? Probably none. In fact, when most people say "I really like Bob, he's great" what I really think they are saying is "Bob really likes me, he thinks I'm great."
So how do we make ourselves socially attractive? Here's the takeaway: Be confident and show interest in others. Decide to like them, and they will probably like you. Listen well, and practice not being the center of attention. Ultimately, people should leave our meetings thinking "These people would really like me if they got the chance to know me." That's an attractive community.
II. Be Positive
Here's a saying I want us all to memorize, "Be positive and the world gets better."
What do I mean by positive? Mainly two things: compliments and saying "yes."
Let's assume the best in people. Let's practice affirmation. When you notice something nice, don't be too shy to say it. Right now, let's practice this for 5 minutes. Turn back to your partner. Now, before you say anything, take 2 minutes to think about what you like best about that person, and then tell them. Those of you receiving the compliments, just smile and say thanks.
Great, I love that, just look at everyone smiling. How can you not like someone that likes you? Now, I want to be clear, I'm not suggesting that we just butter people up. But think about it, you didn't even need to be dishonest. You guys said things that you genuinely felt, there was no need to make things up. All I'm suggesting is that we choose to focus on the good things in people and take the time to communicate them.
Also, let's practice saying "yes". How many of you have seen the move Yes Man? I love this movie, it changed my life. Here's what I learned from that movie: We often need to work hard and deliberately make ourselves say yes in order to make life memorable. What does this look like?
- Stay up late
- Do crazy things just to do them
(Examples from my life: Fall getaway shorts day and sleeping outside. Homeless week. Ragbrai, etc.)
- Get lost
- Sleep outside
- Swim!
(Whenever there is water swim. Me? Pacific ocean in 40 degrees, lake in 35 degrees, Nile River!)
Choose to make life memorable.
III. Be God-honoring
Finally, be God-honoring in how we interact with people. What does the Bible say about our interactions with others? Here's a few verses:
Philippians 2:14
"Do all things without grumbling or questioning."
Ephesians 4:29
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
Notice the absolutes.
No grumbling.
No corrupting talk. Give thanks in
all things.
Do we live this way? Why don't we take these verses seriously? These verses are basically saying that to be negative is to be sinful. Do you believe this? Do I believe this?
We don't have time to turn there, but consider James 3:3-12. These verses talk about the power of words. Here's what I think these verses should mean to us: "What we say has the power to kill or movement or build it up."
Conclusion:
Here's what I'm trying to say:
1) Like people and they will like you back.
2) Be positive, and the world gets better.
3) Say yes.
4) Only say nice things.
5) Decide to love people, and like them.
I'd like to close with some quotes from Mother Teresa
"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."
"Kind words are short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."
"Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."
-Michael
